Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dear Cheesecake Factory, please stop pretending we're bffls

Thanks again for the buy-one-get-one and free slice coupons for after Valentine's day, and also for the free pumpkin pecan samples (easily the best, non-overwhelming cheesecake ever on your premises), but no thank you for pretending you've got me all figured out with a five question, four choice quiz.

In any case, I couldn't help taking it: all of you know I have a semi-addiction to online quizzes. I no longer post them on my blog, but I do tell people that I'm strawberry Pocky and vanilla bean Frappuchino from time to time.

My response: "Heidi, you are Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple. The incredible mix of qualities that makes you so appreciated is nothing short of miraculous, just like this cheesecake. A lot goes into this flavor, all delicious. This mouth-watering mosaic is comprised of our 'Original' cheesecake swirled with caramel...(insert gratuitous descriptions of sugary elements here). Just like you, it's an awe-inspiring combination of ingredients - not soon forgotten!"

Wow, I could totally make a singles ad for myself with this info. But let's deconstruct, piece by piece:

  • Who the heck is Adam? Why am I his?
  • I am "miraculous." This cheesecake is "miraculous." The virgin birth is "miraculous," which leads me to think that the Cheesecake Factory's description is semi-blasphemous.
  • "A lot goes into this flavor" - thanks for acknowledging hard work? I'll give them credit for that...
  • "Mouth-watering mosaic" - this sounds like my college application, minus the "mouth-watering." That would be a creepy thing to write in my admissions essay. But not in a singles ad, which I've already hinted (see? hint) this is.
  • Why is Original in quotation marks? Is it because Original means regular cheesecake? Or is it somehow actually original? JUST LIKE ME?
  • Similar to the first sentence, the "awe-inspiring combination," reminds me that I have n redeeming qualities, where n is greater than one and is the number of dates you should take me on. Whew.
  • Not soon forgotten. Screams "take me on a second date." How does that work if I'm in the possessive pronoun framework of some guy I don't know?
I decided to do two other quizzes reflecting the personalities of my friends M and L (male and female, respectively), since I thought I could fill in their answers fairly accurately.

"M, you are Chocolate Peanut-Butter Cookie Dough. Those who know you appreciate your ability to have fun and when to get serious. That's why you'll appreciate being paired with this flavor - it's multi-faceted, just like you. This memorable dessert pairs three fun favorites...What a seriously fun creation!"
  • First of all, choco-pb cookie dough sounds intense. The only cookie dough I ate was chocolate chip, and I was always paranoid about eggs so I got the prepared stuff.
  • This is no longer a dating quiz; this is about finding your favorite lab partner for the next year.
  • At least "multi-faceted" sounds like "mosaic."
  • "Memorable" appears again!
  • And ohmygosh. Did they just use the phrase "seriously fun" in a failed attempt of oxymoronism? Because I think I just regressed to seventh grade.
"L, you are 30th Anniversary Chocolate Cake Cheesecake. You know what it means to be wonderfully layered, which is why this cheesecake is your perfect match. Commemorating a special occasion is always a joy, and like a night out with you, this cheesecake is reason to celebrate. Four layers...bring huge smiles - especially when shared with you!"
  • More dating advice: "I love celebrating with you because you're the reason to celebrate," "I love sharing cheesecake with you because you're both so wonderfully layered."
  • I can definitely see this cheesecake as a giant celebration: "Honey, I'm buying you 30th Anniversary Cheesecake on our three month anniversary after I divorced that hag."
One thread brought all of these together: I had indicated a similar personality on all the quizzes, and it gave us "mosaic," "multifaceted" and "layered." While I definitely got the better end of the deal ("miraculous" = trump card), it was time to see if a series of vastly different replies would yield a even better - or funnier - result.

Time to check out a blockmate or two.

"A, you are Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake. You share a match with a truly elegant flavor. The smoothest of all our cheesecakes, its sophisticated French sensibilities shine through in every slice. There's only one word that describes you both - magnifique!"

Whew, so it's not one slice fits all - but now I know that A is a smooth operator.

1 comment:

Sarah I. said...

lol now I just feel bad for the people who were hired to write such cheese. I mean, c'mon...REALLY??!

And I am honey Pocky. Which I can never seem to find in stores anymore (do they even sell it still?).