Thanks again for the buy-one-get-one and free slice coupons for after Valentine's day, and also for the free pumpkin pecan samples (easily the best, non-overwhelming cheesecake ever on your premises), but no thank you for pretending you've got me all figured out with a five question, four choice quiz.
In any case, I couldn't help taking it: all of you know I have a semi-addiction to online quizzes. I no longer post them on my blog, but I do tell people that I'm strawberry Pocky and vanilla bean Frappuchino from time to time.
My response: "Heidi, you are Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple. The incredible mix of qualities that makes you so appreciated is nothing short of miraculous, just like this cheesecake. A lot goes into this flavor, all delicious. This mouth-watering mosaic is comprised of our 'Original' cheesecake swirled with caramel...(insert gratuitous descriptions of sugary elements here). Just like you, it's an awe-inspiring combination of ingredients - not soon forgotten!"
Wow, I could totally make a singles ad for myself with this info. But let's deconstruct, piece by piece:
- Who the heck is Adam? Why am I his?
- I am "miraculous." This cheesecake is "miraculous." The virgin birth is "miraculous," which leads me to think that the Cheesecake Factory's description is semi-blasphemous.
- "A lot goes into this flavor" - thanks for acknowledging hard work? I'll give them credit for that...
- "Mouth-watering mosaic" - this sounds like my college application, minus the "mouth-watering." That would be a creepy thing to write in my admissions essay. But not in a singles ad, which I've already hinted (see? hint) this is.
- Why is Original in quotation marks? Is it because Original means regular cheesecake? Or is it somehow actually original? JUST LIKE ME?
- Similar to the first sentence, the "awe-inspiring combination," reminds me that I have n redeeming qualities, where n is greater than one and is the number of dates you should take me on. Whew.
- Not soon forgotten. Screams "take me on a second date." How does that work if I'm in the possessive pronoun framework of some guy I don't know?
"M, you are Chocolate Peanut-Butter Cookie Dough. Those who know you appreciate your ability to have fun and when to get serious. That's why you'll appreciate being paired with this flavor - it's multi-faceted, just like you. This memorable dessert pairs three fun favorites...What a seriously fun creation!"
- First of all, choco-pb cookie dough sounds intense. The only cookie dough I ate was chocolate chip, and I was always paranoid about eggs so I got the prepared stuff.
- This is no longer a dating quiz; this is about finding your favorite lab partner for the next year.
- At least "multi-faceted" sounds like "mosaic."
- "Memorable" appears again!
- And ohmygosh. Did they just use the phrase "seriously fun" in a failed attempt of oxymoronism? Because I think I just regressed to seventh grade.
- More dating advice: "I love celebrating with you because you're the reason to celebrate," "I love sharing cheesecake with you because you're both so wonderfully layered."
- I can definitely see this cheesecake as a giant celebration: "Honey, I'm buying you 30th Anniversary Cheesecake on our three month anniversary after I divorced that hag."
Time to check out a blockmate or two.
"A, you are Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake. You share a match with a truly elegant flavor. The smoothest of all our cheesecakes, its sophisticated French sensibilities shine through in every slice. There's only one word that describes you both - magnifique!"
Whew, so it's not one slice fits all - but now I know that A is a smooth operator.